Well, this is not the headline an adoptive mother wants to see. This is not the headline an adoptive mother wants her CHILDREN to see. This is not the headline anyone touched by adoption wants to see. This type of headline simply shouldn't be.
The story itself is tragic - a middle aged woman was arrested and charged in the killing of her elderly mother. A terrible, sordid allegation. I just don't see why the adoption detail needed to be included. It certainly does nothing to help the case of BC's Waiting kids (who, by the way, are not killers in the making!)
When I first saw the story, I sat down and wrote a thoughtful but direct email to the story's editor (see below).
Then I googled the name of the accused, to see how many other headlines popped up. Every.single.article. included the fact that she was adopted. How disappointing.
I'm only glad my son is too young to understand this article - it gives me time to notify the editor of every newspaper that ran the story's irrelevant detail a chance to think about their word choice (oh dear, you can tell I'm parenting a toddler, can't you?) before he's old enough to understand.
An excerpt from the little note I sent to the local paper. If the headline bothers you, feel free to modify my letter and send it along as your own:
Dear Editor,
As an adoptive mother, and sibling to five through the miracle of adoption, I find it upsetting that you needed to include the fact that Vancouver's latest accused murderer committed her crime against her adoptive mother.
Were you taken in by the Hollywood myth of the recent flop horror movie "Orphan"? Do you believe that children who join their families through adoption have a predisposed tendency to kill their parents? Or are you simply trying to illustrate that a good woman - the widow of a police constable - fell victim to the violent rage (allegedly, of course) of her daughter, and, oh, and by the way, it was perpetrated by the child she adopted?
It's estimated that one in three Canadians are touched by adoption - meaning they, or someone they know dearly, came to their family through this ancient custom. Ever year, BC families welcome over 600 children into their homes. 50 or so are adopted at birth through licensed agencies. About 300 come internationally, from countries like China, or Haiti, or simply across the border from the US. And 300 are adopted from foster care through BC's Waiting Child program.
Perhaps you haven't heard any successful adoption stories. Or perhaps you have, but don't know that adoption is part of the story. I have six examples in my immediate family alone, all welcomed through foster care adoption. Newspaper headlines like yours, however, with their negative undertones about adoption, don't help the situation for BC's Waiting kids. Each year, 300 are adopted, but there are 700 more who wait... sometimes never getting that chance at a forever family.
If you'd like to learn the real story about adoption, or perhaps do an article on one of the many success stories (kids who DON'T grow up to murder their parents, for instance), it's worth a visit to www.bcadopt.com, and www.mcf.gov.bc.ca/adoption. Perhaps you can turn at least one person's mind towards believing in adoption. Who knows, it might even be your own.
Sincerely,
Sarah Reid
Mother to a 2.5 year old, 36 pounds of curly haired bliss & sister to five.. all welcomed joyfully through adoption.
A few of us from AFABC attended an Adoption Resource Exchange today. About 15 kids (or siblings groups) were profiled, and over a hundred prospective parents joined in. AFABC was there to support our families who were in attendance (and of course provide our legendary chocolate cookies).
You might be wondering "What's an Adoption Resource Exchange?" -- not too long ago, I wondered that, too! It's basically a matching event for prospective adoptive parents who have completed their homestudies and are waiting to be matched. They come together along with their adoption workers, to hear from guardianship workers about some of the children in care who are looking for families. There's time for networking with other families and with social workers, and plenty of time to ask questions about the kids who are being profiled.
It's a pretty powerful event for all involved. It's one thing to read a description of a waiting child on the MCFD website; it's another thing entirely to watch a video recording of the same child and have the privilege of watching them shine.
There's only one way into an ARE, and that's to be invited by your social worker. And if your social worker doesn't invite you, ask them to!!! The ARE is open to both MCFD and Agency families, provided your complete, up-to-date homestudy is Ministry-approved and you are waiting for a match.
Some families attend and discover that several of the kids or siblings groups being profiled meet their family's criteria. That's wonderful! Others attend and find that none of the children are a match. That's okay, too. I like to remind families that even if you *don't* find a match from attending an ARE, you've still had the opportunity to witness what BC's Waiting Children are all about.
Equally important is the opportunity to have your family's profile handed directly to Ministry guardianship workers - the professionals who will have arguably the biggest role in determining which family is right for each child on their caseload. A few guardianship workers who were *not* profiling children attended just for the opportunity to meet prospective parents. That's a pretty stellar thing for a social worker to do; taking a whole day out of their work week solely to meet with prospective parents.
If you missed out on today's ARE and would like to attend, the next one will be sometime this fall. Put the bug in your social worker's ear that you'd like an invite.... and I'll look forward to seeing you at the next one!
Experts warn prospective parents that in adoption, there is no "perfect child". They tell you that adoption is based on grief & loss (which it is) and we have to "give up" our expectations of the fictional idealized birth child. You know the one I'm talking about; the heaven-sent cherub with perfectly sculptured features, the brilliance of Einstein, the poetry of Shakespeare, and your family nose or laugh or your partner's eyes. What they don't always tell you is that the "perfect child" doesn't exist, even in birth families.
We're further warned that being adopted means coming with the dreaded "Special Placement Needs". That they might need help in certain areas, or supports, or different life plans. Or come with a sibling, or need extra time to attach. Oh, the horror. (please note my sarcasm)
When I heard that speech, I remember thinking distinctly "That's GARBAGE. Why would I want to pass on my family nose!?!?" That's not to say we haven't dreamed of having a biological child. Most people do. It just means that choosing adoption didn't feel like such a shift from what we envisioned in the first place. In fact, when we welcomed our son home, we sat smugly and thought "Well, if adoption isn't about receiving the perfect child, somebody out there missed the memo!"
In time we learned -- like all parents do, that our child indeed was not perfect. But he was perfect for US and our family. He's hilarious and witty and charming and naughty and spirited and... well, perfection.
When I talk to prospective parents who are grieving their infertility, I try and help them be open to the idea that - after they'd worked through their grief and were ready - adoption didn't have to feel like a consolation prize. Some families - mine included, planned to adopt before we ever entertained the idea of a biological family. Our son saw to that himself, when he claimed me as his mother and stole my heart over two years ago.
I guess I'll never understand the myth of the "perfect child" when I look at my little one and know unquestionably that he was meant to be our son. For those of you who are waiting, or wondering, or just plain bewildered about the possibility, consider these wise words:
"We get the kids we deserve." - which is a lovely left-handed compliment. It basically means, no one is perfect, but somewhere out there, is the "almost" perfect person who's been waiting for someone just like you.
We knew this day was coming - the day when our bright-eyed little man would finally be tall enough and dexterous enough to manipulate the deadbolt on our front door. We live in an apartment -- which buys us few seconds before he can get to the elevator. If he gets that far alone he could easily adventure himself onto other floors or arrive in the lobby with easy access to the street. (He has no problem pushing the right buttons... on elevators and mothers alike!)
Anyways, a few days ago, he mastered the deadbolt task. He had a look of pure delight on his face when the lock released and he found himself free! Noah ran gleefully into the hallway, exclaiming "I Get out! I be naughty! Hurray!"
Yesterday, however, he went too far. I dared to use the restroom last night, and in my absence, Noah crashed the baby gate we use to keep the master bedroom 'off limits'. In thirty seconds, he'd helped himself to a small key and was swiftly headed towards the front door.
He didn't realized I had been watching him in silence since my return to hawk-like supervision. So I just stood behind him and followed him.
He opened the deadbolt.
He let out a maniacal laugh. (I only wish I was kidding.)
He opened the door and looked left and right.
"Hello? Where is everybody?" he chirped.
Then he bolted. I followed, and watched him sprint towards the end of the hallway.
Key in hand, he stood on his tiptoes and popped the key into the lock of our neighbour's apartment. "I go visit Gloria!" he said to himself.
"Uh, not tonight, Noah." I said, raining on his parade. He looked a little sheepish but was deliciously unrepentant. "I find a key, I go visit! I LOCK MOMMY OUT!"
Was that... a threat? Dear God, he can open the deadbolt. In theory, he could leave me stranded in the hallway.
I love my two year old... but today we're going to the hardware store for a chain lock that he CAN'T reach to let himself out. And we're hiding our keys so he can't break into the neighbour's apartment!
