Name-Changes in Adoption

Not too long ago, it was a given that (in infant adoption especially), first names were exchanged for new ones when the adopted child joined their forever family. I know if we ever adopt a toddler or older child, we won't have the option of changing names, nor would we want to. But it was important to me to be able to choose the name of our infant son. So we did.

Perhaps naively, I had no idea it posed a significant problem to change his first name. Knee deep into our adoption education program and mere days away from placement, I was surprised to hear one of our social workers unilaterally condemn first name changes in adoption. "If you're thinking about changing his first name, don't."

The command was simple. Don't do it. Don't even think of it.
The problem was, we already did.

Little Man had been called by his new moniker for months now. He'd been "Little Man" for so long I couldn't imagine changing it back to his birth name. (No, we don't really call him Little Man, oh horrified audience. He has a lovely new name... I should know, I picked it!)

But the guilt set in. Was I doing him a disservice? Was I dishonouring his birth mother, whose tangible gifts to her son (other than the obvious beautiful gift of his life) were understandably limited? Would it make for hard feelings down the road, if a reunion is something they both desire?

What if he prefers his birth name? What if he hates the name we chose for him, and wants to go back to Petit Homme instead of Little Man?

I had a mild dose of pre-adoption panic.

But we kept on with the new name. It wasn't an issue for our home study social worker, who only insisted that we start using the name as soon as we had decided on it. (Done and done.) She didn't blink an eye, but she was a talented & very seasoned worker. I couldn't tell if she approved or not.

Her colleague, although equally lovable, wasn't as discreet.

Don't. Don't even think about it.
Well I did. And now I'm thinking, darnit!

I love his new name. I love its meaning, I love how it fits into our family, I love how it sounds when I say it, I love the significance of it, too. Most importantly, it is HIS name. It fits him so well, suits him so well, and is the perfect match for our Little Man as he grows from baby to boy to man.

It's not that we didn't consider keeping the name. A few factors dissuaded us. Most selfishly, his birth name was not one of my favourites purely for stylistic reasons. I'm a very plain Sarah Jane, and I wanted to keep our son's name simple, well-known but not too common, and for the love of God, easy to spell.

It didn't help that his birth name was not only trendy (think Hollywood babies), but it also employed a non-traditional spelling. I love the name Aoife, for instance, but I wouldn't name my daughter that unless we were planning to move to Ireland. Otherwise she would have to explain to everyone she met that it's pronounced "EE-fa" and its spelling was determined by throwing together most of the vowels, and then adding an 'f' for good measure.

To add to our guilt, we didn't keep his middle name either. But the middle name we chose
was very close to his original first name. (Just a few letters' difference between the two.) We hope one day Little Man will understand we didn't change his name out of disrespect. We chose his name with love and hope he'll be proud of it someday.

But go ahead, let me have it. Blast me if you like. Reassure me if you choose. Or let me know: adoptive families, did you keep or change your children's names? What's your unilateral opinion on name changes? Are you a "don't do it!" type of parent, or do you think some circumstances permit a name change?

Does a rose by any other name really smell as sweet?