Eyes Wide Open

I had a long conversation - several of them, actually - with prospective parents who aren't quite ready to explore openness.

"We just don't want to deal with birth parents," one said.
"We don't want our kid to be confused or feel divided loyalties," another explained.
"It's better for the kids to just focus on their new family... isn't it?"
"Why can't they wait til they're grown ups? It'll be less confusing for them that way."

I've heard these myths voiced often enough to know they not only still exist, but also remain rather prevalent in the minds of many prospective parents.

There was a time when similar thoughts raced through my mind. Knowing what I do now, growing from what my son has taught me, I still understand where the apprehension comes from. But I can't accept those reasons for my son or our family. Noah's losses aren't compensated by the perceived benefits of his closed adoption. 

At first, when we sat around the table planning Noah's life, the social worker looked me in the eye and told me some delicate reasons why Noah's birth mother chose not to remain in contact.

At first, I felt a rush of relief. I remember thinking "I won't have to share him!" but now, looking back, it was never about sharing. It was about keeping Noah connected to the woman who gave him life. The woman who could answer the questions I never could.

In time, my feelings towards birth mother have changed. Initially, I was in awe of her. For creating this perfect child. At the same time, I was equally confused by her ability to move on without the promise of a connection. I convinced myself it was because it was too hard for her to see her son call another woman "mommy".

That's where I was wrong. By presuming what her reasons were, I formed false opinions about who she was and what motivated her to make the most difficult decision of her lifetime. 

I don't know her. I couldn't keep pretending to understand her motivations, and I had to give up on the fantasy of who she was. If I couldn't do that, I would have a hard time helping Noah through his inevitable fantasies about who she is and what life might have been like with her.

I quickly came to see that my presumptions about WHY were simply conjecture. There could have been a hundred reasons. There may be many competing factors that helped birth mom decide that a closed adoption was the best plan.

I have no idea why she said no. Did she believe the myths prospective parents sometimes voice? That her son would do better with just one set of parents? That knowing each other would add confusion, not clarity, to her son's self-image? Was it really too painful? Or was it a practical reason? One made by another or one forced upon her?

Knowing that I may never know, and accepting that reality has helped me move back to where I should have been all along: looking at this adoption from Noah's perspective.

I won't have any answer for my son when he says "Mommy, why did she say no?" But at least I won't be filling his head with my own presumptions of why --- when the only one who knows, and can explain, is the very one who's missing.

At least going in with eyes wide open will help me communicate openly with my son about his closed adoption. And if we can't have an open adoption, at least we can have open communication about it, as hard as that may be to accept.